After closing the door shut, I felt an emptiness inside me. I was familiar with this feeling, it's when I turn into zombie mode. I slowly made my way to my room while avoiding eye contact from my parents; I hate showing people my weakness. These are the times when I want to be alone. I want to lay in my empty bed, hug my pillow tight and get a good cry out. But this time I didn't. Although I was sad and lonely, I didn't cry. Then I realized, I haven't cried in a while... when did I stop? Maybe it's because in two months, I know this will all be over. The online video chats, the lonely nights, the 8 hour drive to and from Penn State and the constant reminders of how much I miss him. Soon, he will graduate and I will have my other half returned to me. I can finally see that light, what seemed like forever (2 years), in this long dark tunnel I've been trapped in.
I couldn't help but think back when Jorge first left to college. After countless conversations of what the "plan" was, the day have arrived. I had moved back with my parents so that I can continue to attend school and work. Jorge was packed and ready to go; that day, I held my tears back. I knew if I cried in front of him I was not making it any easier for him. But as I got ready for bed, our last night together, I felt it slowly creeping up. When I spoke, my voice was raspy and my eyes had already looked as if I cried for days. If Jorge took one look at me, he would know how I felt. I took a deep breathe to compose myself... but it was useless. Jorge sat at the edge of my bed, looking up at me. It was written all over his face that he didn't want to go... I broke down....
I didn't want to hide it any more. I didn't want him to go either. I know he wants to better himself for us, but why so far? Why Penn State!? I wrapped myself around him and cried. I've haven't cried that hard since my grandmother's passing. It hurt so bad; my chest swelled up, I couldn't breathe and I was scared to let go. I felt him grip me so hard, as if trying to fuse our bodies together. I felt his face heat up but he didn't allow me to look at him, he just hugged me tightly. We just laid there until I had no more tears, he had kissed them all away.
We didn't need any words that night. We already knew how we felt about it. And because I didn't want to let him go yet, I decided to make the drive with him. I wanted to see where his new home was for the next two years. I was also trying to procrastinate from saying, "see you later". I wish I hadn't gone.
After spending the day with him unpacking and getting him situated. It was really time to say our goodbyes/see you later. Thankfully my sister came as my support, but it didn't ease the pain. As my car warmed up, I walked up to him... Tears had already escaped from my eyes, there was no hiding it now. Why was I so scared? Why couldn't I be strong and tell him, "See you next weekend?". Was it because I didn't trust him?
It wasn't any of that... for so long, I forgot what life was like before Jorge. For 6 long years we've done almost everything together, 4 of those years we've lived together. He's my best friend, my lover, my other half. He supported me in so many ways and continued to be the man that I love. I didn't want to let that go.
After kissing Jorge a thousand times, I finally got into my car. I had trouble putting my car in reverse, but when I finally did, I already felt I was far away from him. The tears wouldn't stop coming down my face, my eyes stun so badly and I couldn't help but hit the brake as I moved away from him. This was the hardest thing I've done in my life. I focused getting out of the parking lot but I kept braking to look back to find him standing in the spot I had left him. God, why did this hurt so bad!? Is this proof of how much I love him? And it was, I love him so much that I didn't want to be apart from him.
Since my sister was in the car, it stopped me from turning my car around and running back to him. She helped me go forward. Even though as I pushed my gas peddle, the tears wouldn't stop coming. That pain in my chest worsen as I passed each mile marker. After passing 40 miles, I broke down like I have never done before. I pulled over, took a deep breath and screamed. I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt so bad. I leaned my head on the steering wheel, gasping for air and cried. My sister rubbed my back trying to comfort me. It helped a little, but the pain didn't stop. I needed to cry my heart out, I felt so empty. I didn't know what to do with myself...
After crying like a 5 year old who lost their way home, I wiped my tears and snot off my face and pushed forward. And here I am today, I made it. I pulled through. At first it was very hard, but it slowly got easier. The weekend visits, skype dates and text messages helped me through the dreadful years. It's almost over and I don't have to cry anymore. The distance didn't end our relationship, like most people said it would, instead it strengthened it. We've both learned many things about each other and gained more independence in many aspects. Now, Jorge knows how to cook and he has no excuse!
This was a long entry, but I needed to record this. I don't want to ever forget that pain. It reminds me of how important Jorge is to me. It also showed me how those whose husbands are in the force, what they go through. I many not understand it fully because I had the privilege of visiting Jorge whenever, but I can compare some feelings.
Here's to 8 years and counting my Love... we made it. We jumped all those hurdles, wiped those tears and conquered it all... we made it <3
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